America, home to hordes of insecure anorexic teens, overly-secure fatties, and wide enough for a plethora of crazy fad-diet trends to render a “Madea Goes Jihad” premier speechless. So anyone not yet convinced they’re fat either hasn’t encountered a magazine, TV, billboard, pop-up ad, mirror or unfiltered reaction from a child in a super-long while, or the rock of self-deception they live under could give Devil’s Tower pause (no offense DT). So when I shell out this ludicrous claim of a bacon beer and edible underwear diet, I totally understand anyone who rolled their eyes and skipped to the next StumbleUpon link, but seeing as you’re eyes are still scrolling, giving me the benefit of the doubt, let’s make it worth your while…

How would you feel about eating honey-glazed 6 lb bricks of gorgonzola cheese stuffed with chocolate mousse while, in the same swallow, dropping weight quicker than your budget’ll permit you to replace your wardrobe? Throw on an extra slab of butter and settle in for a healthier, happier, fitter you…

In 2003-4, when cutting carbs was all the rage with the trendy fitness seekers, Dr. Robert Atkins was something of a messiah, and for good reason. The Atkins diet had, for those with the tenacity to adhere to its stringent formula, boasted nearly a 100% success rate.

Unfortunately, effective as it may have been, the Atkins Diet fell out of vogue shortly after its rise to fame due in large part to expense (Atkins eating cost 80% over an average American diet), and, more so, the bleak future his disciples realizes when it struck them: THEY CAN NEVER HAVE A DOUGHNUT AGAIN!!! Before fading into obscurity, however, he gave us the foundation for what will soon be the cornerstone to changing our lives for the greater.

Now if you’ve ever tried a fad diet and failed, that’s totally fine, though it is demoralizing. 95% of the newly-health-inclined turn back to a steady intake of  chicken-fried McDoubles and butter-slathered Doritos within a week. No need to beat yourself up (but don’t be too proud either). While this subject of fat loss is a massive one (yes, it was intended), minus a small few of us with genetic disorders, the failure of our collective willpower, fortunately, can boil down to three simple fixes:

1. Self-control is overrated.

Let’s pull up our sweatpants for a moment, wipe the crumbs from our chinny-chins, and gorge a big guilt-free meal (to the point of bursting). We’re going shopping the smart way, stuffed, thus with utterly no desire to consume a morsel. This way, all the gimmicky flashing lights of the supermarket, the ones strategically positioned for herding cattle as efficiently as possible, will pose far less a threat to our will-power. Haven’t you found it far easier to give a friendly “no thanks” wave to the lady passing out free pizza samples when you have a nauseated gut?

Next, as we’re human, we naturally want to do what requires the least effort, so let’s use that to our advantage; work smarter not harder. To subvert temptation rid yourself of temptations. When carrots and hummus are the sole items in the fridge, despite the supermarket being just next door, guess what we’ll eat?

Finally, and I’m not promoting apathy here, but two consecutive hours of running, while certainly an impressive feat to spam to Twitter, burns a mere 1000 calories (equivalent of a single White Castle chocolate shake). Running is fantastic, but sadly not the super-slimming-strategy it’s generally considered to be. So how are skinny people even a thing if the numbers are so outrageous? …Hold your horses.

2. Metabolisms plateau and rebound even with the most restrained of us.

60% of the success at beginning diets, even among the most persevering maniacs, is water weight. The human body is an absolute marvel of nature, capable of maintaining itself with minimal fluctuation. That means as one adjusts one’s habits, the body kicks whatever mechanism it has to into gear to maintain the status quo. This is why diet/exercise tends to hit a peak. Millions of generations of experience have trained the human body to maintain itself, and if we attempt to alter that balance, either the brain will jump in and override our will with a barrage of chemicals that cripple us with waffle-cravings, or the metabolism will slug-down to compensate for the new regimen; either way, assuring the same level of jiggle is maintained. To win this battle, we’re gonna have to fight dirty and hit ’em with an unexpected blow…

3. Solution: bacon, beer, edible underwear and whatever the hell else we want; as much as we can shove down our face-holes without ripping at the spare-tire.

Never is a terrifying word. I want my candy. I want my soda, my Redbull, beer-battered cod, deep-dish-pizza and the occasional pumpkin-pie binge, so of course the idea of NEVER having these things just for an extra couple years of life is crazy (those years are at the END, anyway). So if that bastard body of mine wants to undermine all my hard effort, let’s hit him where it hurts, right in the calories.

You see, a major reason diets are unsuccessful is not for lack of effort. Many of our hefty friends can see the coronary around the corner and fight the good fight only to drop a single pound after 15 hours on the bike. Instead, because the body is so good at what it does, our efforts to skinny-down are taken as an attack (Brain says, “Oh, shit, I guess we’re starving now”), so the metabolism compensates to keep us where we were, creating a green-eating, marathon-running, still-fat guy. Often the whole process is so discouraging that the dieter will relapse into even less healthy of a lifestyle.

That’s why we fight back, courageously, with the mighty cannon-fodder of junk food. See, strategically consuming garbage kicks the metabolism in the ass enough to throw it off kilter, never quite settling into a steady normalcy. Crazy as it sounds, binging on fatty foods, in the right circumstances, leads to weight loss.

Get the heck out of here!!!

We need to cheat… but cheat strategically.

What started as a blog post in 2007, “How to Lose 20 lbs. of Fat in 30 Days… Without Doing Any Exercise”, evolved into a how-to on 100 lbs of fat loss and now has become something of legend, with mythical cult status. Ultimate lifestyle engineer Tim Ferris created something that shatters the paradigm of health science, and his legacy will forever be carved into the annals of the obese because his method, simply, is easy and it works.

 

Tell me!! Tell me!! Quick, I’m getting hungry.

The slow-carb diet (as he calls it) has only 4 simple tenets, no calorie counting or complicated matrices to learn:

1. No white carbs

2. No drinking calories

3. Repeat the same few meals

4. Cheat

We receive no royalties from Tim for promoting his book, so how about a quick sample diet (alter to your desires):

Sunday – Friday:

• Breakfast: scrambled eggs with sautéed spinach, chic-peas and chunky salsa.
• Lunch: protein smoothie (raw kale greens, peanut-butter, almond milk, protein powder).
• Dinner: ground chuck with mixed vegetables and lentils.
• Before bed: 2 glasses of red wine (optional).

Saturday:

• 3 pints of Ben & Jerry’s, Brick of mozzarella, dozen Kristy Crèmes, an Ultimate Pizza Sandwich, 6 triple quarter-pounders w/ cheese dipped in unprocessed lard, 12 stack of crème cheese-stuffed French toast, 2 babies and a diet coke.

Don’t believe me? Frankly I barely do either, and I’ve lost 40 lbs and counting with this lunacy. So all y’all skeptics check out the following links or just take my word for it and spend your valuable time doing more important things, like liking Wondergressive on Facebook.

 

 

Sources:

1. Wondergressive: Obese Shall Inherit the Earth
2. dailystrength.org
3. forbes.com
4. mann.bol.ucla.edu
5. cdc.gov
6. businessinsider.com
7. nutristrategy.com
8. calorielab.com
9. ncbi.nlm.nih.gov
10. books.google
11. dietandfitnessresources.co.uk
12. fourhourworkweek.com (twice)

*Note: I’m neither a doctor, nor do I play one on TV, so don’t be stupid; do your due-diligence. For being awesome enough to read to the bottom, here’s a song about a guy who worships doughnuts…