Fat and Fit Don’t Mix

get fit

Helloooo CONSUMER friendly, let’s get fit! .
http://www.tofugu.com/2011/10/12/what-do-sumo-wrestlers-eat/

I have very, very disappointing news to share with everyone: Being fit does not co-exist with being fat. At least that is what the Annals of Internal Medicine are claiming through a new study. But let us back up a little, where did this idea even come from?

Data has been floating around recently about the idea that one can be fit even if one is obese. Due to this data the acceptance of being overweight wasn’t thought of as anything more than a choice. But can there be repercussions from choosing to be fit and obese? Could there be health issues unbeknownst to us that the study is trying to bring attention to?

Related Article: To be Fat or Not to be Fat?

There is a stockpile of data showing that there is no ‘healthy level’ of obesity. Over 60,000 patients in 8 studies weighed in on the findings presented by the study mentioned above. The result was that those who were metabolically healthy but obese had a higher risk of death or cardiovascular events later in their lives than others of normal weight. The study simply concludes that being overweight or having excess weight poses a threat to your longevity. In addition to weight management, which of course is the inferred solution, one should always check their blood pressure and cholesterol levels to ensure their body stays healthy and fit.

Related Article: Fat, Poor Kids Just Got a Little Less Fat

Who wants to check their weight now? Go here for a Body Mass Index calculator! It will tell you whether you are at a societally normal weight, underweight, overweight, or obese. It is better to know than to be in denial.

In the end both your fitness level and your health level is quite clearly determined by you. If you choose to be a little overweight and still feel great then who is to say that in fact you aren’t going to live forever? Honestly, living life the way you want to is what matters most, if indeed you wish to be happy then live the way that makes you feel happiest. Doesn’t hurt to adjust some parts though! Cheers to living!

 

Research:

AoIM: Are Metabolically Healthy Overweight and Obesity Benign Conditions?

CNN Health: You Can Be Fat AND Fit, Researchers Say

NIH: Calculate your Body Mass Index

 

Wondergressive: The Dangers of Fat Acceptance

Wondergressive: To be Fat or Not to be Fat?

Wondergressive: Fat, Poor Kids Just Got a Little Less Fat. Still Poor.

No More Red: Charge Your Phone Battery With Wi-Fi

that's a dead phone battery

Please God, NO!
erdemuen.com Death of the phone battery

Cords tangled and left spewed in a jumble on the floor.  Power outlets installed every few feet in the house.  The little phone battery symbol ominously running down to red; the screen dimming in a desperate attempt to conserve what little power remains.  This is just an inescapable part of everyday life, right? Maybe not for much longer.

Related Article: Meet the Needle Beam; No More Signal Loss

Although wireless power has existed for some time, the greatest hurdles in mass commercialization of wireless power have been efficiency and cost. Researchers at Duke University’s Pratt School of Engineering are rapidly making these hurdles irrelevant. Undergraduate engineering student Allen Hawkes, graduate student Alexander Katko, and lead investigator Steven Cummer have developed a way to convert microwaves already buzzing around our heads into pure energy. The most exciting aspect of this development is the potential to convert Wi-Fi into energy and charge our phone battery passively with Wi-Fi in the area.

178613_hawkes_katko_0013

The revolutionary device.
http://www.pratt.duke.edu

The device the researchers created consists of five fiberglass and copper energy conductors wired together on a circuit board.  The device converts microwaves into 7.3V of electricity, a 32% increase in charge compared to USB which provides only 5V. This amount of energy could give your phone battery a little boost.

Related Article: Free Internet, Help Yourself

The efficiency and design is very similar to modern solar panels. While solar panels convert light energy from the sun into electrical current, the new energy harvester can be tuned to harvest the signal from such sources as satellites, sound, or even Wi-Fi. With this new technology a phone battery could be charged with anything, anywhere.

According to the team,

We were aiming for the highest energy efficiency we could achieve. We had been getting energy efficiency around 6 to 10 percent, but with this design we were able to dramatically improve energy conversion to 37 percent, which is comparable to what is achieved in solar cells.

The device takes advantage of a relatively new breakthrough in science called metamaterials; artificial materials not found in nature that are specifically engineered to capture various forms of wave energy. Metamaterials have been traditionally thought of as materials reserved for the distant future, but the researchers have proved this notion utterly wrong.

Related Article: Solar Powered, Internet Wielding Balloons

Until now, a lot of work with metamaterials has been theoretical. We are showing that with a little work, these materials can be useful for consumer applications.

Using metamaterials, the researchers have outlined a whole string of applications for their breakthrough device, not just the charging of a phone battery. According to the researchers,

a metamaterial coating could be applied to the ceiling of a room to redirect and recover a Wi-Fi signal that would otherwise be lost. Another application could be to improve the energy efficiency of appliances by wirelessly recovering power that is now lost during use…With additional modifications the power-harvesting metamaterial could potentially be built into a cell phone, allowing the phone [battery] to recharge wirelessly while not in use. This feature could, in principle, allow people living in locations without ready access to a conventional power outlet to harvest energy from a nearby cell phone tower instead.

Whoa! Why not just paint the whole house with a paint/metamaterial mixture. Sprinkle metamaterials on the lawn. Think of a world where the phone battery is always full. Spread Wi-Fi harvesting capability by mixing some metamaterials into water balloons and letting the kids go at it. Metamaterials for everyone!

Related Article: Why Unplugging Your Charger is Pointless

After just completing a 9 month backpacking trip through several different countries, finding a power outlet to charge my phone battery, camera, and kindle was a daily struggle.  Wi-Fi on the other hand was everywhere, even at the top of many mountains in Asia. If a device like this could drastically alter the life of a simple backpacker, imagine what it could do for society at large! The excuse “My phone battery died” will become completely obsolete.

178613_hawkes_katko_0008

Here you are world, that incredible thing you were waiting for.
http://www.pratt.duke.edu/

 

Sources:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wireless_power

http://www.ee.duke.edu/faculty/steven-cummer

http://dukespace.lib.duke.edu/dspace/handle/10161/8006

http://www.pratt.duke.edu/news/wireless-device-converts-lost-energy-electric-power

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Metamaterial

http://inhabitat.com/duke-university-students-find-a-way-to-charge-cell-phones-with-wi-fi/

https://wondergressive.com/news/meet-the-needle-beam-no-more-signal-loss/

https://wondergressive.com/news/free-internet-help-yourself/

https://wondergressive.com/news/a-non-loony-google-project-called-loon/

https://wondergressive.com/news/vampires-arent-half-bad/

 

The “Friends of the Indian” and How They Treated Their Friends

795px-Tom_Torlino_Navajo_before_and_after_circa_1882

The Friends of the Indian movement was fueled by rhetoric, religion, and “sympathetic” rich people- the three R’s of relations between the United States and Native American Indians in the latter part of the 1800s. Under the guise of sympathy, the friends of the Indian fought hard for the cultural assimilation and subsequent Americanization of the native peoples. Their logic was simple and absolute: assimilate the Indians or they will be destroyed by The United States of America. With the lens of hindsight, it can be seen that the two concepts are rather identical.

 

In The Beginning Was War

The battles between the United States of America and the tribes of the native peoples came to a head towards the latter part of the 1800s. Tensions were high as the United States fought through its civil war. Even though a major part of the battles were fought between the North and the South, events such as the Dakota uprising escalated tensions and strained relations between the U.S. and the Natives.

In 1862 the Dakota Indians, in an act of frustration and self-preservation, attacked a small community of white settlers. In response to the 500 American settler deaths, President Lincoln ordered the death penalty on some 300 Dakota. This order resulted in the largest mass execution in U.S. history. 38 Dakota warriors were sent to the gallows on December 26, 1862.

This was not the only transgression between the United States and the multitude of tribes west of the proclamation line. The Snake Wars lasted from 1864-1868. These wars are often caricatured in the old Western movies. The Snake Indians inhabited the Snake River along the Oregon trails. This term was a blanket term used by wagon-trailers as they made their way west. It became a derogatory term to describe the Oregon Trail raiders. From the white settler’s prospective, these Indians were violent and unreasonable. From the Natives’ perspective, the white settler’s just couldn’t take a hint. Eventually volunteer armies pacified the Snake Indians. This made trade and travel glorious for everybody. Everybody, that is, except for the Native Americans.dakota

There were multiple times the U.S. attempted to make amends with the Native American peoples but time and time again the federal government partook in what ignorant children call “Indian giving”—I call them ignorant because up until now, I believed the term to be representative of the Indian culture (being ignorant myself). Perhaps the term should be rebranded to “giving to the Indians,” with the new definition being: ”To make temporary agreements, under the guise of permanence, until the actual value of said agreement is allocated.’ After this assessment of resources is sufficient to withdraw past agreements, use force to change the terms of said agreements.”

To return from digression, this new definition of Indian Giving is directly represented in case of The Treaty of Fort Laramie in 1868. This treaty assigned the Black Hills and a large part of what is now the northern mid-west region of the United States to the Lakota people forever. The land was theirs and could never be taken back by the U.S. government. The United States honored this claim until the discovery of gold by private prospectors. In 1877 the Black Hills were seized by the reaching arms of the United States and incorporated into the ever expanding concept of Manifest Destiny. Recently, in the 1980’s, the Lakota people defeated the U.S. government and were granted a cash settlement for the land and interest acquired since 1877. The Lakota people refused, expecting their land, not a mere paper “equivalent.”

Since its inception, the United States had been at war with, well, everybody. If it wasn’t the Indians, it was the Spanish, or the French, or the British, or any other people who laid claim to what is now the continental United States. War is extremely tiring for the people who have to fight it. In the late 1860s and 1870s the U.S. government placed a great deal of emphasis on reversing that idea.

Grant: Indian Friend and Foe

President Grant’s famous slogan “Let Us Have Peace” gave hope for more subtle relations with the Native Americans—this is decidedly less memorable than his other, more aimed, slogan of 1968 “Vote As You Shoot,” which couldn’t have been all that thought out. The latter slogan, though primarily applied to the healing union of North and South, can be viewed as his policy on Indian Affairs.

Grant was a veteran of battles both with and against the Native Americans. He was a man of honor–despite his various presidential scandals– and pride. He respected the Native Americans on paper and went to great lengths to aid in their participation with the civilized United States.

Grant felt for the Indians and helped in several ways. He appointed Ely Parker, a Seneca Indian, to be Commissioner of Indian Affairs. Parker was the first Native American to act as commissioner. Parker and the president worked, with success, to decrease the number of battles with Indians. He sifted through bureaucratic nonsense in order to dissolve the mistreatment of Indians. In doing so, he faced a question that a lot of “civilized” Natives would also encounter:

Whether it has been well that I have sought civilization with its bothersome concomitants and whether it would not be better even now to return to the darkness and most sacred wilds (if any such can be found) of our country and there to vegetate and expire silently, happily, and forgotten as do the birds of the air and the beasts of the field? The thought is a happy one, but perhaps impracticable.

Aside from Grant’s Native American nomination, he also made a point to actively meet with tribal leaders at the White House. Leaders such as the famous Red Cloud called upon the president to work towards peace. As bloody territory battles and enraged meetings with Native figureheads risked becoming mundane in their frequency, it became clear that a new course of action was necessary.

 

Full Scale Assimilation Begins

The Indian Appropriations act of 1871 put an end to the separation between the United States and the Indians. This act removed the individual sovereignty of native tribes, which effectively made all of the Indians wards of the U.S. Government. The act specifically did not allow (Edited on July 17th) treaties to be made with any individual Indian nation. Initially the act was crafted in an effort to protect those sovereignties from white settlers who were invading past reservation treaties.

In reality this act lay—or perhaps reinforced—the foundation for the assimilation and civilization of the Native peoples. By dealing with all of the Native tribes as a whole, the U.S. removed the individual identities of each nation. They turned thousands of cultures into just one single Indian problem.

Where there’s a problem, there are people to reform it and shape the predicament into something that creates a lot less guilt. The friends of the Indian movement (the friends) believed strongly that they could help alleviate the ”Indian Problem” by putting in place a system so as to help the Indians from facing their ultimate demise. Their solution: Assimilation.

The Friends were not the first U.S. group to actively employ the use of assimilation in regard to the Native peoples. The concept is about as old as the colonies themselves. There is even a Wikipedia page titled “Cultural Assimilation of the Native Americans.”

Composed of various rich white folk such as elected government officials, “reformance artists,” and concerned philanthropists, the Friends met yearly to solve the Indian problem. The group used careful rhetoric, lack of critical thinking skills, and political power to devise a threefold plan.

First, the Indians must be taught to live in a civilized manner. The friends called for Native Americans to learn trade skills and step away from their traditional hunter/gatherer lifestyle. Secondly, the children of the Native Americans were to be educated into proper American lifestyle. The emphasis here was to root out the cultural bad habits— the ones which would not be profitable. Thirdly and most importantly, the U.S. government was to enact an allotment policy to aide in further assimilating the Indians.PrattPupilsinFrontofPratts'QuartersCarlisleIndianSchool1885L

Carlisle Industrial Indian School was perhaps the most infamous of the boarding schools for Native American children. It was perhaps best known for its use of before-and-after photographs which displayed the cultural transformation that took place within the Native American Youth. Richard Henry Pratt, founder of Carlisle Industrial, said to

Transfer the savage-born infant to the surroundings of civilization and he will grow to possess a civilized language and habit

The use of planned rhetoric by the Friends of the Indian was profound. On one hand, they openly use terms such as “assimilation” without any fear of disrespecting cultural traditions while simultaneously referring to these people as savages devoid of culture and proper tradition- If only they knew of the great civilizations, such as Cahokia, that existed before the creation of the United stated. Perhaps then they might have appreciated and even learned from these so called “savages”.

 

Welcome to the Reservation

The Dawes Act of 1887 was a further example of the United States “giving to Indians.” The act called for the redistribution of Reservation lands. The individual tribal members and families were given a portion of the total Reservation lands and any excess was held in a trust for 25 years. After this time period the Reservation’s Tribe could sell the land. This was done in hopes that the land would be sold to white settlers so as to further encourage assimilation.

The curiousness of the Friends of the Indian really knows no bounds. One example of these misguided do-gooders is that of Alice Fletcher or, as referred to by the Nimíipuu (Nez Perce), The Measuring Woman. Alice was fascinated by the American Indians. She worked in museums, worked directly with several tribes, and continuously acted as an ambassador between the federal and tribal governments. She cared for the American Indians. But despite this, even her best-intentioned fulfillment of duty would be highly destructive to the tribes that she worked with.

Consider the case of the Nimíipuu (Nez Perce). After the horrible chase and subsequent surrender by the famous Chief Hin-mah-too-yah-lat-kekt (Chief Joseph), the Nimíipuu people signed treaties with the U.S. government in order to reserve a bit of land for themselves. After the Dawes Act was passed, the measuring woman soon came. Sent on a special task by the U.S. Government, Alice Fletcher was on the scene. She came with the specific purpose of allotting the lands of the Nimíipuu.

In doing this, Alice showed incredible conviction to her beliefs. She, like the rest of the Friends of the Indian Reformers, believed strongly that they were saving the Native population from the grinding wheels of American Society. They believed that the best way to save them was to transform them into something new. What they did not understand was that no matter how hard they tried, they wouldn’t be able to change thousands of years of rich history and culture without severely damaging the intelligence, dignity, and beauty of an entire people.

The idea of an “Indian problem” was itself a problem. Just as the term Indian giving has been reassigned from its proper meaning “giving to the Indians,” the Indian problem really is a problem created by the white majority; “The White Imperialist”—strange how the term has not seen its rounds.

The more I’ve visited and revisited the United States “handling” of the Native Americans the more I believe that the whole situation was completely out of line. In fact, it has been literally out of line on several occasions: Crossing the proclamation lines, branding the numerous tribes as one group of Indians Native American, and making promises, trusts, only to break them when the right amount of raw material rears its golden head.

For those who will say “but what about the blood shed by the Indians,” I would like to remind them of the fact that this was their home. We came in without knocking or taking off our shoes and remodeled their entire existence, not to mention systematically eradicating many of the natives in existence at the time! The only “right” that we had to do such a thing lies in our professional use of refined military equipment.

Perhaps a better solution to the “Indian Problem” can be to investigate with open minds how best to cultivate a better understanding. This is the solution for many of the world’s problems. Though it is a simple policy, when you take a deep breath and learn about the ways of others, it will always amount to a better understanding and perhaps even less bloodshed.

To close I would like to say that any movement in which “friendship” is a tool used to manipulate the minds of others is not, and will never be, true friendship.

Sources:
http://www.nevadaobserver.com/Reading%20Room%20Documents/snake_river_indian_wars_1890.htm

 http://www.ourdocuments.gov/print_friendly.php?flash=true&page=transcript&doc=50&title=Transcript+of+Dawes+Act+%281887%29

http://www.archives.gov/education/lessons/sioux-treaty/

http://silvrdrach.homestead.com/Schwartz_2009_Jul_05.html

http://www.pbs.org/warrior/content/bio/ely.html

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cahokia

http://anthropology.usf.edu/women/fletcher/fletcher.htm

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Population_history_of_indigenous_peoples_of_the_Americas

 

Additional Sources and Reading:

Calloway, Colin G. One Vast Winter Count: The Native American West Before Lewis and Clark (University of Nebraska Press, 2003)

Cook-Lynn, Elizabeth. New Indians Old Wars (Urbana-Champaign, Illinois: Board of Trustees of the University of Illinois, 2007)

Fixico, Donald. Daily Life of Native Americans in the 20th Century (Westport, Connecticut: Greenwood Press, 2006)

Prucha, Fancis Paul. Americanizing the American Indians (Cambridge, Massachusetts: President and Fellows of Harvard College, 1973)

Smith, Paul Chaat. Everything You Know About Indians is Wrong (Minneapolis, Minnesota: University of Minnesota Press, 2009)

MariJo Moore, ed., Genocide of the Mind: New Native American Writing (New York, New York: Nation Books, 2003)

Eric Garnsworth, ed., Sovereign Bones: New Native American Writing Vollume II (New York, New York: Nation Books, 2003)

Forbes, Jack D. “Blood Quantum: A Relic of Racism and Termination.” The People’s Path, November 20, 2000, http://www.yvwiiusdinvnohii.net/Articles2000/JDForbes001126Blood.htm.

Immortality Formula: YOLF

Predicting the future is hard. At least that’s what Nostradamus tells me every time I’m on mescaline. But, damn it, if Ed McMann can do it, we might as well take a swing here at Wondergressive.

According to the calendar, it’s been 2013 for a little while now, and that means it’s probably safe to say we didn’t all explode in boiling hellfire at the end of 2012. It’s unfortunate, because, of all the dooms-day prophecies floating around, that Mayan prediction was especially promising. That means, though, if ever there was a time to plan for the future, it’s today.

While advancements in technology and medicine grow all the more futuristic with each passing moment and the internet is busy coalescing our collective hive unconscious into an unprecedented uber-mind, we wander ever closer to the upcoming singularity we’re so looking forward to. All these massive paradigm shifts coming at us exponentially quicker let us say one thing at least with near certainty:  “This is the era where man will possess immortality.”

It may come in the form of implanting our sentience into cyborgs, imprinting clones with a map of the alpha version’s memories, or just extending our stays on this plane to 6 or 700 years via sea turtle style metabolism manipulation. However events may unfold, Carpe Diem has never before been so pertinent.  (If immortality’s too big of a leap, just follow some of the previous links and see what we mean.)

So in the spirit of having oodles of time to do whatever the hell you want, we present you with part one of Qwizx’s guide to surfing oblivion.

Step 1: Shifting Perspectives (Introduction to the Avatar mindset)

Just change your mind a bit. The tools have been laid out already for those in the mood to adapt rather than shunt the burden off onto the next generation. Let’s take a moment and let some of the implications of prolonged life settle in…The ritual goes: same window, different visuals…

Instead of renting, or mooching off the parents, as immortals, we now own the property. Every perk and burden that comes with that. Global warming something you’re concerned about? You personally will be here in a few thousand years to experience the fall out. Think the country’s going to shit? You, yourself, will be witnessing the rise and fall of empires and shift of power regimes. Want to own your own continent? Spend a few hundred years amassing a fortune and learning all the skills you’ll need to rise to the top and control the ignorant populace. Want to topple a violent dictator?  Same thing, control the ignorant populace. The point is, you will have the time, so anything conceivable is not only within your grasp, it’s your responsibility to foresee. Congratulations, us.

Just pretend you know with certainty that you and all those you love will live forever, then jot it down.

I understand this has just been a tease, a bit of intellectual foreplay to ponder, but I hope you’re as titillated as I am. Over the next few weeks we’ll be covering a whole range of lessons for the up and coming demi-god, from the 10,000 hour mastery law to do-it-yourself propaganda to Napoleon Hill’s formula for becoming the next Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.

In any case, let’s not waste the next millennia on boredom.

 

 Sources:

3 Ways the WWE Invented Professional Sports

Top 10 Doomsday Prophecies

Sign Me Up for Mars!

Augmented Reality Blows My Mind – Twice

New Cancer Treatment Shows Promising Results in Leukemia Patients

Honey as an Antibiotic

AI Prescribes Better Treatment Than Doctors

Robotic Sense and Feel

Bionic Hand That Can Feel

Reanimated Kidneys and 3D Printing

A Pill That Makes You Sober

Autophagy: The Unsung Hero in Slowing Aging 

Erase Memories, Because… Why Not?

DNA Ancestry Checking as Cheap as $99

The Singularity is Nigh Upon Us

Brain Implants Powered By Spinal Fluid: Another Huge Step Towards Our Cyborg Future 

Erasing Genomic Imprinting Memory in Mouse Clone Embryos Produced from Day 11.5 Primordial Germ Cells 

Dietary Manipulation of Mouse Matabolism

Handbook for the New Paradigm

Become a God for 79 Cents

Fun Fact: You’re the Cause of Boredom

Babies and the ‘Cost of Inaction’

I, Healthyheartbeatz, a grown man of 25, have a soft spot for children in need. Me, with all of my bravado and manliness, me with all of my outspokenness and inclination to argue, YES I still cringe every time I see a helpless child in need on TV or displayed in an advertisement. That may have to do with my ridiculous sensitivity and sympathy, not to mention I am also very much so captivated by puppies, but that is besides the point of course! Children are our future and taking care of them is priority! We can’t let them turn into mindless zombies, something must be done!

Why must you bother me with all of this? Well, I stumbled upon a series of recent studies put together by (FXB) Center for Health and Human Rights that of course made me cringe and fired up my synapses in order to reach out to you, our Wondergressivers (ererers). But let’s take it easy, I am not in any way trying to make you, our loving reader, pay anything or donate anything. This is a news group dedicated to researching and informing others! Naturally that is exactly how this will all play out, and without any final request other than for the lot of you to be “in the know”-

Onwards! The studies discussed were particularly interesting because they emphasize that poor kids that are suffering around the world are specifically suffering from inaction even when we are wasting 40% of our food as well as 25% of our freshwater daily. Sudhir Anand, speaking on a panel at The Forum at Harvard School of Public Health

Failing to intervene nutritionally to aid malnourished children can stunt them for life and failing to provide antiretroviral drugs to parents can turn their children into orphans, putting them at increased risk of falling into crime, drug abuse, prostitution, and other societal ills.

Just think, all of our non-action towards the kids of tomorrow acts as a catalyst for failure in the future. Who knows when the next Einstein will be neglected or the next Copernicus will starve to death or the next Socrates will be condemned by society… wait, just a second. Countess Albina du Boisrouvray, a passionate supporter of helping the children of the world and founder of (FXB) Center for Health and Human Rights, said in an interview:

There are more than a billion of these children around the world, they are living in extreme poverty. They live by codes of conduct completely divorced from ours, and the older they get, the harder it will be to reintegrate them, even at great cost. Each day, they drift further and further.  A huge percentage of the world’s adults are going to be almost a different species. This is terrible for society and for the economy — for everything officials are supposed to be worried about — as well as terrible for the kids.

But of course it’s not only the poor who are suffering, we have kids suffering daily from our public school failures as well as neglected children of our country.

There is no link to donate, there is no outcry to change your ways, its a simple message, a pass off of knowledge. So don’t forget our youngins. Babies are our future, past, present, and just about everything else. Without babies we wouldn’t exist. Some babies are super lucky being thrown into traffic and surviving unscathed. Other babies are watched over by angels as they simply survive unforeseen complications at their birth. Just a little baby power to end on a high note. Preacher OUT!

 

Research:

(FXB) Center for Health and Human Rights

The Cost of Inaction

Cost of Doing Nothing

Wasted Resources

Forum at Harvard School of Public Health

Neglect – American Humane Association

Wondergressive: Public School Failure in America

Wondergressive: TV and the Brain

Wondergressive: Fat Poor Kids

Babies (film)

Baby Survives Car Crash in Russia

Baby Born With Heart Out of Body

Laughing Baby – Caution You Will Laugh/Giggle/Tehehehe

NOT Another 9-11 Article (rolls eyes*)

 

You know him. Maybe you are him. The casual acquaintance, not quite friend, he saunters forward, dilated pupils scanning over each of his shoulders, iPad casually out and ready, a knowing smile forming a crest of righteously pompous paranoia across his stubbled jaw, beads of youthfully enthusiastic perspiration clinging to his hipster handlebar mustache, and, beaming with false solidarity, he presses play:

 

 

Half-way through the clip, he starts digging through his leather “Tool” wallet and pulls out five pre-creased bills to further baffle you with (below).

Ok, great, I’ve seen this stuff before. So was 9-11 an inside job? Maybe just allowed to happen for private agendas? It’s old played-out news, and, most likely, your mind was made up long ago. The more important question no one seems to be asking is, “why should we give a shit?”

Woah woah woah!! You can’t mean that?

I do. Absolutely. And if I do my job here, hopefully you’ll be shrugging with indifference as well by the end of this article, and the world can be a happier place with just a few more rainbows and baby unicorn farts. Come follow me on this fanciful rollercoaster ride, enjoy all the benefits of “disregarding bad news.”

Where we stand

Today, 36%  of Americans either are certain or pretty sure that 9-11 was an inside job. So, this is not some fringe group of loonies, but a rather hefty chunk of “we the people,” not to mention the masses on the fence open-minded to the idea. The countless YouTube links circulating Facebook are everywhere so the question has been posed to just about everyone by now. If we can all unite for a moment and assume the very worst, “9-11 was our government killing its own people,” that’s exactly why we need to knock this right the hell off. Terrorism is bad, but thinking about terrorism is far worse…

Check it out

We’ve seen the documentaries, and the documentaries refuting the documentaries, and even the refutations of the refutations blah blah blah.

There is a natural rhythm to peering down the rabbit hole. First is the rush of finding something sensational; it triggers this carnal craving to be “in the know”. Then, once the initial high of learning something edgy wears off, the specific details slowly fade away from our memories and we’re left with only a few linchpin ideas. These are the singular points that, at least to us, are utterly irrefutable. The linchpin is a beautiful mental process that allows us to unburden and feel righteous in our opinion, free wonder about other things.

On the official story believer’s side of the case is the old, “how could that many people possibly keep something this big a secret?” Then, to the conspiracy theorists, all they need are 2 words, “building 7,” and the argument is over. In either case, it’s like an atheist preaching to a born-again; it always ends in a, “well I just have faith,” and a perforated stress-ulcer coupled with bloody stool.

I mean something far greater than apathy when I say this: once you quit giving a shit, it’ll all be roses. I promise.

The motives

Whoever the group responsible, there is a wide array of believed motives. Conspirators say Iraq war, oil, create enemy, repeal rights, globalization, fear agenda. Meanwhile, official storyers say… umm… “They hate freedom” or something, U.S.’s Saudi Arabia presence, sanctions on Iraq. Whoever the culprits, whatever the aim, each of these explanations shares a common bond; they all hide under the same umbrella: “propaganda.” There is some message that attack was designed to send. There was a message, and that is part of why we need to stop caring…

See, the mind of the conspiracy theorist is an interesting place. They tend to be the more curious amongst us, believing themselves more open to the truth than others. Whether their world view is ever validated or not, there have always been a segment of the people who don’t buy the “official line.” Be it JFK, the moon landing, Lincoln, freemason founding fathers, or “God” is a mistranslation for “Aliens,” alternative explanations of history abound.

What that means is, if a small powerful group of the world’s elite was responsible for 9-11, they knew full-well that some would shout “bullshit.” It’s a matter of human nature. So don’t you think, just maybe, if they knew how you’d react, that might have been part of the plan?…

I hope you can bear with me here. Remember, we’re still assuming the “truthers” are right.

Since the 60’s, the idea of “the man” has been all but ubiquitous, but in the last decade especially, an overwhelming shift in perspective has occurred to where it’s now just assumed common knowledge that “your government is out to get you,” like some unspoken rule. FEMA camps, chemtrails, illuminati symbols, clips of cops beating rioters all flood through our bandwidth. Ideas that would have gotten one ostracized a decade ago are now commonplace. politicians are corrupt, the news is filled with lies, food is poison and breathing causes cancer, so cynicism seems to be justified, but let me ask you this: How bad was 9-11 really?

Even the “they” out to get you isn’t out to get you.

3000 people died that day. That’s terrible, but not really (how dare you?). Nearly 3000 people have died since you started reading this article.

But those weren’t Americans so it’s not as important? Or, those were largely natural causes (circle of life)?

The callous truth is, in spite of all the hype, the numbers are a speck of rubble amidst the heap of steel and concrete that is human mortality. Being blown up by a terrorist is terrifying (hence the name), but not only are you more likely to die slipping in the shower than you are to die in a terrorist attack, you are 4,167 times more likely (where’s the war on hygiene?).

From this angle, the attack itself was not a big deal. I’m sorry to all the victims and their families, but for God’s sake, I’m just as sorry to the 3000 people who are killed each year by hippos. Perhaps this is too large of heartless a leap to take, but our own cops do more damage than that.

 

It’s no longer just a game!!!

“Mission accomplished”

Here’s what I’m suggesting: the result has been accomplished. Even If our own government were the orchestrators of 9-11 (again, maybe so, maybe not), it absolutely doesn’t matter.

The numbers are so small they are inconsequential. If the government attacks its own people, you should worry about it if you also expect to be struck by lightning while holding a winning lottery ticket; it could happen, but it won’t.

The dwindling baby-boomers who still trust FOX-news may fear terrorist, but the internet doesn’t. The internet, though, is afraid. We are afraid of something far worse…

If these elusive shadow men really run the show, the larger game was not anything tangible, but the propaganda campaign that followed, where we now collectively fear our government. That was the aim. The result has been this massive uneasiness on the collective mind of the people that the one’s they were supposed to rely on were out to get them, and that is far scarier.

Pissed off guys in caves with access to box cutters is not a threat to a heavily armed nation. But a group who controls the riot police, watches all the satellites, monitors your browsing history, and owns the judicial system is trying to kill you… that’s scary.

Guess what, my friends; they aren’t. 3000 people. Whoever it was killed just enough to make it seem plausible that they are killing us. They aren’t. They just aren’t. Do serial killers exist? Of course. Will you be skinned and made into a lampshade at some point this week? Absolutely not!!!

Now I can already hear the backlash. “He must be working for the man. They got to Qwizx, too.” Or, “What about the FEMA camps, flying drones, and U.S. citizens put on no-fly lists or labeled terrorists without trial?”

Yep. Those are things alright. So what? The only thing that’s changed is now we know about it. Far worse things have happened and will continue to, because that is part of the human condition. Say thank you to the internet for being a check on the villains of the world’s nefarious bullshit. You are just as safe you were before you did a Google search for codex alimentarius, but now you are aware.

Wherever you stand, if we could go ahead and give every last benefit of the doubt, and assume the most extreme explanation is the right one: some race of hyper-intelligent aliens is controlling humanity through the media and orchestrated 9-11 as a false flag operation to scare the population into an Orwellian state so they can harvest our soul energy to create a negative-polarity Hell universe (heavy heavy stuff)… still… they killed only 3000.

They want you scared; there’s nothing to be scared of. When you “expose the truth” you’re really the one spreading the fear. The very powers you’re trying to expose, you are doing their job for them.

We have the power to make this world a better place, and it only takes one simple step: Just shut the hell up already, and play some ultimate Frisbee. Things are good.

Sources:

9/11 Predicted in Movies

Coincidence or Conspiracy?

Managing Bad News in Social Media: A Case Study on Domino’s Pizza Crisis

Why the 9/11 Conspiracy Theories Won’t Go Away

9/11 Loose Change (Full Length)

Debunking 9/11 Conspiracy Theorists

9/11 Truthers: Meet the Scholars for 9/11 Truth

9/11 Free for All– Debunking Popular Mechanics

How Convenient! The Epistemic Rationale of Self-Validating Belief Systems

Why the Human Brain is Designed to Distrust

John Kerry: Building 7 was Deliberately Demolished

Taliban Says 9/11 Attacks Were Excuse for ‘Illegal’ War

On Anniversary, Iran’s Ahmadinejad says U.S. Planned 9/11 Attacks

The Enemy-Industrial Complex

What’s the Takeaway from September 11th?

Globalization, Terrorism, and Democracy: 9/11 and its Aftermath

President Bush Addresses the Nation

Motives for the September 11 Attacks

Understanding the Iraq Sanctions

Why People Believe in Conspiracies

10 Best JFK Assassination Conspiracies

The Moon Landings Were Faked

Lincoln Assassination Theories: A Simple Conspiracy or a Grand Conspiracy?

Famous Freemasons

www.sitchin.com

FEMA Camps and the Threat of Martial Law Didn’t Start with Obama

What Chemtrails Really Are

The Illuminati: Symbols, Signs, Meanings, & History Revealed

Savage Beating of Protestors by Greek Riot Police

Scientists Calculate Odd Ways to Die

10 Incredibly Bizarre Death Statistics

You’re Eight Times More Likely to be Killed by a Police Officer Than a Terrorist

The Culture of Fear

Gun Ownership Statistics and Demographics

The Five Most Terrifying Civilizations in the History of the World

Google

Aliens Blamed for September 11 by Conspiracy Fans

How the Illuminati Exert Control Through the Media

History of American False Flag Operations

Orwellian

Unholy Experiment: Alien Greys and Soul Harvesting

The Illuminati Conspiracy Against God

Good News Beats Bad News on Social Networks

Hey Cat-Lovers, You Have a Mind-Controlling Parasite

Isn’t it fun to pretend we have control over our bodies? Isn’t it fun to believe that freewill isn’t some fanciful bit of make-believe? I don’t know about you, but that’s one of my favorite late night drunken fantasies (oh yeah, gettin off (or not) to the illusion of choice). Really though, the bag of chemicals we live in is a precarious balance of hormones, enzymes, and other gook, teetering the high wire of sanity by the tiniest margins. If that statement needs any justification, maybe give PCP a try.

The excretions of other life forms have altered our realities and actions for epochs, so the idea is nothing new. Usually we think, however, that these things are mostly under our control. From licking a toad, contracting the stomach flu, or perhaps a total personality makeover after a blow to the head, our body’s chemicals and fluids determine everything. So, keeping that in mind… there’s a good chance you, at this very moment, have a mind-controlling parasite, making your decisions for you. It happens all the time.

Look:

But that’s just ants, right? And they’re stupid.

Nope. And it’s not just ants, either. Countless species are chemically manipulated; there are zombie snailssuicidal grasshoppers, and even, of course, YOU…

Half of the world’s population is currently infected with a fun-loving little fucker known as Toxoplasma, the sci-fi sounding name of a cat poop dwelling parasite that will make you crazy.

Try saying it out loud. Toxoplasma. You’ll feel pretty badass.

Now look to your left. Look to your right. You have a 50% chance of infection of…Toxoplasma. (You said it out loud, right?)

Come on. You can’t be serious?

We already knew bacteria were controlling our minds, but now there’s this little fella, too. He lives in cat poop, we breathe him in, and he sets up shop in our nervous system, excreting enzymes that lead to schizophrenia and overall bat-shittedness (not necessarily a bad thing). Essentially, I get infected, I get this hankering for another cat, then I get more infected, I adopt the conviction “who needs men?” and before you know it my home soon becomes a den of feline chaos.

It seems that society’s obsession with lolcats is actually all a part of some master plan being orchestrated by this little bastard. It flips our brain’s chemistry to, you guessed it, love cats.

The heated war between dog people and cat people will rage for centuries more, but now we know about all the fuss over our feline friends: we are victims of a cat conspiracy to take over our internet memes, one poop at a time.

They sure are cute, though.

 

Sources:

The Sonoran Desert Toad (erowid.org)

A Model of Personality Change (ncbi.nlm.nih.gov)

Little Mind Benders (sciencenews.org)

Parasitic Mind Control (youtube.com)

Enslaved Ants Regularly Stage Rebellions (wondergressive.com)

How to Control an Army of Zombies (nytimes.com)

World’s Deadliest: Zombie Snails (youtube.com)

Suicide Grasshoppers Brainwashed by Parasite Worms (nationalgeographic.com)

Toxoplasmosis-Schizophrenia Research (stanleyresearch.org)

The Secret World of Bacteria (wondergressive.com)

A Note on the Top 1% (wondergressive.com)

 

Quit Cumming, Save MANkind: The Detrimental Effects of Porn

porn hardoff

Watching porn only takes up like half of your day, it can’t be that bad! cracked.com

Though we’re a news site, I strive not to post on the bummers unless there are solutions to couple with ’em, especially when it comes to porn. The mainstream fear mongers feed enough of that drivel to the hungry baby boomer crowd, and here, we want your life to be better, at least in some way. So when I lay this terrible news on you, don’t freak out; there is an easy fix…

Get ready for…

Raw unbridled power. Soon you’ll have unparalleled focus, strength, and animal-magnetism enveloping your being like some all-mighty aura of tenacious suavity. Awesomeness. But first…

Before we take a stab at why you don’t have these things, women, this article isn’t meant for you. Glean some nifty tricks if you can, but the research happens to all be aimed at the fellas. And be forewarned, the Pandora’s Box of the male psyche really is disturbingly straight forward, so endeavor further at your own peril.

porn thumb drive

There are activities besides porn where my thumbs can come in handy? http://blogannath.blogspot.com

Gentlemen, I have some mixed news for you regarding porn. We’ve been shooting ourselves in the groin for countless generations, completely oblivious. As it turns out, when our monkey forefathers sprouted opposable thumbs nearly 70 million years ago, they launched our chimp brothers into a vortex of technological advancement, but unfortunately, in this same step, doomed our fraternal lineage to a fate of epidemic depression, anxiety, inferiority-complexes and erectile-dysfunction. No need to take bolt cutters to that wonderful fifth digit, there is an easier fix.

What’s wrong with my thumbs? And what does it have to do with porn?

Aside from allowing us, collectively, to construct tools, carry said tools, flush toilets and headshot noobs, our thumbs have been responsible for basically all of civilization as we know it, separating us through dexterity from the rest of the animal kingdom. Similarly magnanimous, from the pyramids of Giza to sliced bread, every great human advancement those little babies have rendered us capable of has stemmed from a single, all-encompassing species-driving motive: we wanted to impress women. Literally, all facets of culture and society can be broken into that basest motivation: mating. So when our primate cousins found their fingers all those generations ago, suddenly the rules of the game changed, because our every hardwired purpose for living could now be overridden in one effortless squirt. I’m talking about masturbation.

Don’t get all preachy on me now!

Relax. This isn’t some moralistic pseudo-religious naysaying on the evils of your naughty bits. The palm hair is safe.

The capacity to watch porn and masturbate has put us in a dilemma. We have a choice as men: we can study hard, trouncing all competitors, create an empire, amass a fortune, and (possibly) win the affections of some elusive supermodel goddess. Or, for the price of a bottle of Lubriderm and a stolen Wi-Fi connection, we can download ultra-high resolution close-ups of lady-bits and let our imaginations skip all that effort.

Low hanging fruit tastes better, we like to pretend.

I happen to enjoy my porn, thank you! Why is that a problem? 

It isn’t, necessarily. But there are definite drawbacks. Each ejaculation takes a toll on the philanderer’s wellbeing in several potent ways.

First, with each climax, a man losses a whole slew of essential vitamins and nutrients because semen is designed to give as much of a fighting chance to the new embryo as possible. In fact, each time we cum, we lose the protein equivalent of a large egg. That’s why we just want to nap afterward or find the whole thing gross; literally, our entire physiology is designed to propel us into this point of mutual orgasm, storing massive energy reserves to be spent at copulation, not to be squandered into a crusty sock.

Worse still, ejaculation expels testosterone reserves. Every fap session makes you less of a man in a very real sense, depleting you of your very chemical maleness (This does not apply to actual sex, however, which we’ll look at shortly. High-five!). Lastly, and we’ve covered this deeper in previous articles, masturbation effects dopamine levels on a similar scale to heroin, leading to obsessive-compulsiveness, thought-disorders, social anxiety and depression. Be honest, at some level, does that seem familiar?

You said there was good news?

Indeed, I did. Friends, if you masturbate because porn is easy and getting laid eludes you, we have some great news. Masturbating is why you’re not getting laid. You see, each time you lose that testosterone, first your body produces less pheromones, your natural arousal cologne, and the renewed secretion of pheromones creates this cloud of alpha-male essence around you, effortlessly attracting women and impressing your dominance upon fellow men.

Better still, with this unsquandered natural energy and social prowess, comfort and confidence in your own skin skyrockets, and your body instinctually makes you want to set aside the MMORPG’s and interact with other humans. You’re a natural at talking to girls, just not so much after the instant gratification of manual stimulation. Face to face socializing is what you were designed for.

Too good to be true? There are thousands of first-hand accounts of 180 degree life changes from simply giving your little buddy a rest, and closing out of the porn site. There are also massive support communities to help the transition into the new Casanova lifestyle. We all love our porn fellas, and the idea of losing our parents to cholera is probably more soothing than withdrawal from the sweet, sweet glories of a photoshopped Kate Upton…

porn kate upton

Damn, she looks good. But guess what? So do real girls. Porn is a poor substitute.

So how bout a quick self-check:

  • Do you exercise, dress classy, and/or groom your billy-goat beard from time to time, but still feel invisible to women?
  • Have you read any how-to’s by Neal Strauss?
  • Did you linger at that last photo (we all did)?
  • Does there seem like a collective decision by all woman-kind to blue-ball you?
  • Do you suspect you give the vibe of a man passing out candy from his windowless van?
  • Is your go-to stress relief the instant-gratification of internet porn?

Back to the science: Something About Mary had it backwards. Just go a few days without relief and a switch flips. Suddenly, you’re the center of everyone’s attention. Oh, thank God (teeth were gritted down to nubs of insecurity).

Can we talk about Porn?

I thought you’d never ask. Porn, fantastic as it may be, acts directly on the addiction centers of the brain. Our caveman minds are, frankly, not equipped for handling the endless feast of flesh at our fingertips thanks to the internet, because, physiologically, sex is geared to be the highest possible reward meant only for the healthiest most contributing-to-the-tribe males. This instant access is a major cause of the growing trend in apathy in the developed world. With the dopamine high of life’s ultimate purpose so reticently available, there is a dwindling (possibly non-human) percentage driven to true accomplishments.

Come on. It’s natural to like to look at women.

Totally. That’s not the point. No one’s judging. No one want’s to be told one of their favorite pastimes is a drain on them, or worse, that it’s an addiction. That’s between you and your penis to decide. By no means are we suggesting you become celibate (though many of the great minds in history went that route), or that you focus your chi to transmute your sex energy, but if your gut instinct was defensiveness, maybe try the no porn challenge for kicks.

As with all addictions, porn needs escalation to get the same thrill. So soft-core turns to hardcore turns to fetishes to taboos and tentacle-rape to friction scars and cut out front-pockets for easy access, until you’re crying over a bottle of merlot fantasizing about accidental eye-contact with the hostess at Applebee’s. (That’s universal, right?)

To getting a life. Cheers.

 

 

 

Sources:

5 Reasons Women are as Shallow as Men

7 Craziest Things Ever Done to Get Laid

The End of Low Hanging Fruit?

Composition of Human Semen

AskMen: What’s in Sperm?

Journal of Psychology: Sexual Exhaustion in Male Rats

Wondergressive: Sex is Just a Lack of Disgust

PubMed.gov: Ejaculation and Testosterone

Wondergressive: You and Your Internet on Porn

American Journal of Psychology: Subjective Experiences of Dopamine Depletion

PubMed.gov: Pheromonal Influences on Sociosexual Behavior in Men

Subject Experiences of Positive Porn Abstinence

IMDB: There’s Something About Mary 

Philip Zimbardo: Your Brain on Porn

Wondergressive: A Note on the Top 1%

A History of Celibacy 

Celibate Celebrities

The Mystery of Sex Transmutation

The 10 Steps to Porn Addiction

Oculolinctus: Eye Fetish

A Note on the Top 1%: Psychopaths or Superhumans?

 

A few days ago, we looked into the coming rise of a new species being developed by the technocrats; it’s nigh. Spectacular as this notion is, as it turns out, the next stage in human development has already arrived, interlaced inconspicuously amongst us, as though “They Live” were a documentary.

Doesn't anyone have a goddamn stick of gum?!

Doesn’t anyone have a goddamn stick of gum?!
http://www.releasedonkey.com

You see, everyone loves a good ethnic slur, but under our thin veil of cultural, linguistic, economic, and pigment differences, it’s understood that we’re all one collective unity of mankind. Hi, brothers and sisters. So with the utmost love and respect for all y’all round the globe (minus Canada, America’s ceaseless punchline), we can all join hands in an orgy of discrimination against the one group that’s not like the others. Proudly, I’ll stand on my soapbox of an anonymous keyboard and proclaim something we’ve all long suspected, but never voiced: “yuppies aren’t human.”

…Literally… Let me explain

If there’s one thing I’d gleaned from my last stint in the psych-ward (like you didn’t suspect), it’s how, like an uncured slab of beef, the lines between mental illnesses, unfortunately, are neither cut nor dry (consider the utter failure of the DSM). A great deal of consensus, however, stands in the psychologist community to where these muddied lines can be drawn, and the word “psychopath” is not a term bandied lightly, folks. A psychopath, apparently, is not always the image immediately drawn to mind of some knife wielding pariah, glazed in dried mustard and animal-semen (gross), prowling the subway adorned only in a single strategically-placed pool-floatie, who passes the day lobbing “Jesus saves” paper-airplane pamphlets at jaded urbanites. Nah, he’s probably wearing a silk tie, Gucci perhaps.

Psychopaths, in fact, while occasionally criminal masterminds, are masterful social chameleons, often indistinguishable from the crowd. Preconceived notions blown. A new theoretical analysis suggests that psychopathy is not merely a mental disorder, though, but rather the psychopath is a separate new sub-species of human altogether, a new animal. No joke. Sure, Patrick Bateman may lob revving chainsaws upon fleeing call-girls, but he wasn’t human, so it’s copacetic.  Evolution, it seems, just won’t take a day off. Psychopathy is categorized with traits of:

 

  • glib and superficial charm
  • grandiose (exaggeratedly high) estimation of self
  • need for stimulation
  • pathological lying
  • cunning and manipulativeness
  • lack of remorse or guilt
  • shallow affect (superficial emotional responsiveness)
  • callousness and lack of empathy
  • parasitic lifestyle
  • poor behavioral controls
  • sexual promiscuity
  • early behavior problems
  • lack of realistic long-term goals
  • impulsivity
  • irresponsibility
  • failure to accept responsibility for own actions
  • many short-term marital relationships
  • juvenile delinquency
  • revocation of conditional release
  • criminal versatility

To sum all that up, psychopaths (henceforth redubbed Homo PsychopathiusTM) are highly-intelligent, calculating, manipulative machines of self-interested ambition, lacking the capacity for conscience due to the inability to feel emotion. They are a manifestation of the cliché wolf in sheep’s clothing as a predator in white-collar work clothes, and these things aren’t human.

With an untappable spigot of raw uninhibited self-interest at its disposal, Homo Psychopathius often rises to the top of whatever organization/ field it sets its aim at. They are natural visionaries, innovators, and leaders of men, so it just makes sense that, statistically, the career with the highest propensity for psychopathy is nothing less than the CEO.

Over the last few decades, as you’ve undoubtedly noticed, the global power regime has shifted reigns from the uber-nation to the empire-corporation being the vaster colossus of influence. Our ruling class, then, are the highly-competent next stage in evolution, being more adapted for the major-leagues without the nuisance of those silly outdated oddities called feelings. Further still, note this list of the top ten careers Homo Psychopathius are found in, not forgetting the psychopath, more often than not, is at the forefront head of his field:

 

1. CEO
2. Lawyer
3. Media (Television/Radio)
4. Salesperson
5. Surgeon
6. Journalist
7. Police officer
8. Clergy person
9. Chef
10. Civil servant

Wait! Wait! Wait! Holy shit! What are you saying?

This thing is smarter than you, vastly more driven to power. It controls the companies you work for; it represents your legal system, decides what news you hear, tells you what to consume (down to a science), holds your life in its hands, arrests your deviants, propagates your religions, and it dominates your politics… oh yeah, and cooks your food (never trust a guy with a set of personally engraved knives, I guess).

We’re not alarmist here. Rather, I propose a happy compromise over this news: as successful as these things have proven themselves to be, rising to the apex of society, I offer that we humans dutifully permit this new animal to take the reins (cause it already has) as the new dominant species of the planet. You win, psychopaths. Game over. Anyway, our outdated human machine doesn’t mind serving as the structural base for your mighty overlord will. We’re more suited for playing Minecraft, masturbating, and following your orders. It’s kinda what we’re good at. If it’s not overly presumptuous of me to assume the diplomat between our 2 great peoples, let me be the first of my kind to say, “I vow my allegiance. All hail the morlocks! (I’m on board, guys. Eat someone else’s kids.)”

Fellow sapians, kinda brings the whole “Occupy Wall Street” thing into a new light, huh? Looks like the X-Men comics had it right all along: the 1% with all the powers really were the next stage of human evolution.

Take it; leave it; use it as an excuse to embrace your inner asshole.

Either way, let the hate mail commence.

 

 

 

Sources:

Wondergressive: The Singularity is Nigh Upon Us

I’m Here To Chew Bubblegum

Ari Shaffir: The Amazing Racist

Wondergressive: Impossible to Distinguish Sane from Insane

Wondergressive: You Might be a Psychopath

CBS: DSM New Psych Bible

People Claiming to be Jesus

Psychopath: a New Subspecies

Patrick Bateman

Psychopathy List

PubMed.gov: Genetic Risk for Psychopathy in 7 Year Olds

PubMed.gov: Corporate Psychopathy

Psychopathy and the CEO

Corporate Psychopaths and Global Financial Crisis

Corporate Psychopaths: Bullying and Unfair Supervision

MSN: 10 Sneaky Care Dealer Tricks

Who Runs the World: Global Corporate Control

Minecraft

Morlock

Occupy Wall Street

Engineering the Perfect Morning in 8 Easy Steps

[no_toc]

Have you had your coffee yet? Stretch it out; it’s okay. Nothing quite like the old cigarette and cup of joe to kick start the day into gear, or maybe leisurely scrolling a Wondergressive post on the john is more your speed. Remember when you’d spring to life hours before the sun, like, say on Christmas morning? You couldn’t fall asleep from excitement and erupted from slumber like the rambunctious little meth-head every kid is. Well guess what friends… we can have that majesty again, and not just once a year, but every morning. Check out these 8 simple steps to supercharging your mornings and life:

1)

If you’re reading an article on this site, you’re probably pretty smart, and kudos to you already, so maybe you’ve heard of this thing called the REM cycle. Turns out the number of cycles is not as important as we’d previously imagined; rather, timing is the key. Those non-hangover days when, even with a full 8 hours, you feel like a monkey’s been bludgeoning you with a bag of unripe oranges (maybe the 6th cup will do the trick), most likely your alarm sounded mid-REM cycle, and this is a big deal. If the cycle is interrupted, this is a day of grogginess. Contrarily, rising between REMs leaves you alert and rested. A REM cycle is 90 minutes, give or take, so instead of getting a solid 8, aim for a solid 7.5 hours a night. You’ll be walking on (not sunshine) regular terrain, throwing away the old “I’m just not a morning person.” Likewise, 6 hours (optimal on average) or less will do the trick as well, though you may want to nap later with the latter. Easy-peezy. If you need to be up at 7am, hit the pillow at 11:15pm (15mins to fall asleep). With the demons of drowsiness never again jabbing your skull, it’ll be much easier to…

2)

Wake up early. I promise this is an easy step. Was it ever hard to roll out of the race-car to pillage Santa’s haul? If you’re awesome, and I’ll bet you are, you have a to-do list 6 pages deep and it’s become more of a “shit that’ll happen when I win the lottery” list. What a vicious, unending cycle, especially since “buy lottery ticket” is on that list. But you’re clever and ambitious; you know what to do to find those extra hours to get it all done: wake up early. Like we’ve already seen, 6 hours is a great amount of sleep where you’ll feel peak-rested. Congratulations, you’ve just found an extra 2 hours of private time every day (6 extra years of consciousness added to your life). While the world hits snooze, you can…

3)

Set an isochronic alarm. Good odds you’re reading this on your phone/mp3/alarm clock/everything, and you can set an alarm to sound any noise you’d like (if you don’t know how, Google it). Trythis iso-tone. It’s a sound that, when heard, snaps the mind into high gear (Make sure to check out the science behind isochronic tones– it’s pretty cool but beyond the scope of this article). No need to shut it off, by the way. This tone makes a great background to your…

4)

Dream journal. Why dream journal? It’s fun, for one. Keeping a journal of your dreams is like sharing an intimate conversation with your subconscious; never mind if you don’t have dreams (you do, everyone dreams every single night), start with anything, even a vague memory of a color, and details will start flooding back as the pen lurches rapidly to scrawl them. Even these few minutes of creativity, because they’re first thing, set a tone of greatness for the rest of the day, although no one will hold it against you if you still need…

5)

Coffee. Yes, have your coffee if that’s your thing (did you think I’d say you couldn’t?), but that delectable god-nectar takes a bit to brew, so in the meantime, we’ll be needing an empty stomach anyway for…

5.5)

Exercise. It doesn’t take much to get the job done; we’re not training for the Olympics. 10-15 minutes of easy calisthenics right at waking gets the blood flowing and kick starts the metabolism so your breakfast won’t sludge into more mass about the spare-tire, but burn to fuel your freshly invigorated body. Thanks, science.

6)

Read. Let’s leave off the Looney Tunes this morning, or if that’s not your style, no newspaper or CNN. Instead, over the oats and bacon, we’re going to read 10 pages (that’s it, easy) of self-help. Are you in the school that thinks self-help books are for a bunch of losers who need to pat themselves on the back? Okay, a lot are, but check outthese self-help books (or for the kleptos). A mere 10 pages a day will amount to 1,300 books over your lifetime. Fun side-note: Theodore Roosevelt read an entire book every single day, even while he had his hands full with all that presidenting.

7)

Take a cold shower. This will be the hardest step to adhere to, but well worth the sacrifice. According to Dr. Kruse, the benefits of becoming “cold adapted” include:

  • Optimization of hormone levels
  • Fertility and reproductive fitness
  • Strengthened adrenal function
  • Reversal of diabetes and thyroid disorders
  • Increased immune function
  • Pain management
  • Deepened and improved sleep
  • Increased sense of well being and better attitude
  • and, it may be helpful with serious neurological diseases and eating disorders

Sounds cool (groan over shitty pun).

8)

Meditate. I’ll bet you’ve heard good things. Here’s your chance, and if you’re afraid of looking silly, no one else is up yet anyway. Here’s a beginners guide if you’re unfamiliar. That’s it. Have fun y’all, and enjoy your new, awesome life.

 

Sources:

WebMD: Stages of Sleep

PubMed.gov: Effects of Interrupting REM sleep

Iso-tone

Science of Isochronic Tones

How Dreams Work

Reasons to Exercise in the Morning

Goodreads: Self-help Books

Cracked.com: Facts About Famous People

Dr. Kruse: Cold Showers

How to Meditate